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Along My Collar, A Word by ~deadend-zenith:icondeadend-zenith:



I have on warm days
poured my thoughts into buttercups,
and on warm days you have sipped
that potent nectar, and drummed
a dew beat on the pensive spray.

But I am shaken now:
there is silence when I think aloud,
and my thoughts are only words
that will not settle, only swirl.

And while the weekly winters
grow old upon your lips,
I'm still waiting - but what for?
your name's no beacon by a broken shore,
no cadence for an angel choir,
no jade, no pearl, no myrtle bird,
no damp daybreak along my collar,
a word, a word, a word,
and nothing more.

In the evening chill I think,
jawing, flirting with a name -
I recall how in the heat I used to feel,
and swirl around the man within -
but now the frost is waking on my skin
its cold sighs breathed in by every pore:
between our lips spill only words,
only words and nothing more.
©2008-2009 ~deadend-zenith
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Submitted: May 14, 2008
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Comments: 18
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Author's Comments

I may make this a scrap later because I'm not 100% satisfied with it (then again, am I ever 100% satisfied with anything I write?)

I'd really appreciate some constructive criticism!
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Oh dear, offering constructive criticism on this piece may prove difficult; I'm unable to find any real flaws!

Perhaps refining the flow of the last stanza might help a little. Because it makes use of rhyme more than the other two, it seems to be rather separate to the rest of the poem. Possibly that was intentional though.

Other than that, I really like this, and methinks it needs a :+fav:.

--
Who needs actions when you've got words?
Oh wow. I would offer constructive criticism if I could - but just reading it has almost brought tears to my eyes. And it's kinda hard to critique when the words are blurred with tears ;P
This is absolutely incredible. The imagery is gorgeous, so sad and beautiful. It makes my heart wilt with the emotion in it. It's just so - amazing.
If you -do- end up editing it, I look forward to seeing how on earth it could be better.

:+fav:
Don't scrap it! It's awesome!

--
Use me as you will. Pull my strings just for a thrill.
"jawing, flirting with a name -"

such a good line

please don't scrap this it's really deep

--
15 jugglers
15 jugglers
and 5 believers
and 5 believers
OMG I LOVE THIS! It gives me an Edgar Allen Poe vibe.

Here's some picky constructive criticism. You rhymed the last stanzas, but I didn't see any in the first. Maybe that was on purpose, though...

--
"What the...? HE JUST JACKED MY NANERS!" -me

"I have killed your mother. Now, I am going to Holland." -also me

I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior. If you do too and aren't scared to admit it, then copy and paste this in your signature.
this poem flows very well, and your descriptions elicit fantastic imagery in my mind. nice choice of words, an idea well executed.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! The disparity in rhymes was mostly intentional. I meant to have the first three stanzas be characterized by slant rhymes (now/aloud, word/swirl, bird/word) and the last by more perfect rhymes (within/skin, pore/more). With that in mind, do you still think I ought to rework the flow of the final stanza?
Wow, those are high compliments. I'm very flattered and I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! :) :hug:
Yes, another commenter brought this to my attention as well. I meant to have the first three stanzas be characterized by slant rhymes (now/aloud, word/swirl, bird/word) and the last by more perfect rhymes (within/skin, pore/more), but I suppose that didn't really come across? Thanks for taking the time to comment! :)

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